But How Could He Still Love Me?
by WillowNyx
Summary: "I love James Potter. I finally realized that I love him the moment I realized what a big jerk I was to him." Lily Evans finally realizes that she loves James, but when her past actions towards him comes back to her, could she still find the courage to tell him?


She just sat there, shock finally registering on her tear stained face. Did she just hear what she thought she heard? Still sitting, she turned her head away from the place that a messy haired Head Boy had just occupied, to the fire in front of her. Looking at the fire comforted her, but her question was still left unanswered; did she just hear what she thought she heard?

"Well…that was…some development." She said out loud. Not really knowing where she really was, she looked around the room, ready to apologize if anybody heard her. As she turned to look around the room, she was relieved to see that no one was there.

"Funny…I thought that he'd brought me to the common room." Lily Evans thought. Looking around more, she saw that the room was smaller and less…Gryffindor? The red curtains weren't there, nor was the large lion above the fireplace.

"Where did he take me?" she thought again. "I must be really upset not to notice where he took me." Clasping her hands together, she stared back into the fire and thought about what happened earlier.

_They were doing their nightly patrols, and as per their usual routine, the moment they got past hearing distance of the Fat Lady, they started talking. _

"_So…where did we left off again?" James had asked her._

"_Hmm…I think you were in the middle of telling me about your undying love for Rosmerta, the daughter of the owner of the Three Broomsticks" she replied teasingly._

"_Oh." He looked at her in pretend surprise. "I thought I was telling you about me, I didn't know that I got around to telling you about Peter's secret crush." He said this seriously._

_The two of them laughed. Lily can't help how easy and comfortable this feels. If someone told her in her fifth year that she'd enjoy being in the company of James Potter, she would have hexed that person to oblivion._

_When they finally stopped laughing, she spoke up again. _

"_I think you were telling me about the time your mum took grocery shopping and you were attacked by the automatic doors." She told him._

"_You have a fantastic memory you know." James said, groaning a little. Lily laughed as James started to tell her the embarrassing tale. _

_They continued swapping embarrassing stories after that. Again, Lily thought to herself how comfortable she is with James. She felt safe in his presence, safe enough to tell him all those stories. Not just the embarrassing ones they were sharing now, but also the happy and hurtful ones that they've shared from their past patrols._

_Their stories had drifted off from embarrassing to serious. They started talking about the war going on outside the walls of Hogwarts. Lily told James about her fears because of her blood status._

"_I know that it doesn't matter…much, here at Hogwarts, but when we graduate," she shook her head. "It's a whole different story." _

"_Lily," James started. Lily looked at him, his tone was the most serious she had ever heard. James looked straight into her emerald green eyes, "When we graduate, I promise you I will protect you. I will never let anyone hurt you, no matter who or what I have to face." He said this with complete conviction that Lily's heart had started beating really fast. _

_Realizing what his words must have sounded to Lily, James quickly turned away. "I mean…when I graduate and become an auror, I'll protect you. I'll protect everybody." He mumbled to the ground._

"_Oh…yeah, I knew what you meant." She said, her eyes on the ground as well. She tried to hide the disappointment in her voice and the blush on her cheeks._

_It has been about a year since he stopped asking her out, and it was only a little before the sixth year Christmas break when Lily started returning the civility that James gave her and they became friends. She started noticing how much he had changed, from arrogant toe rag to mature young man. Lily also started noticing how good James Potter looks. Something she always dismissed. Then again, she tended to dismiss everything about him back then._

_Kicking herself mentally for feeling disappointed at what he said, she decided to change the topic and talk about other things. James welcomed this and started telling her about a prank that they pulled in third year. _

_The two got lost in comfortable conversation again. They hadn't noticed that they were in the dungeons until a certain black haired boy walked out from behind a suit of armor. _

_Severus Snape looked as if he was waiting for the Head Boy and Head Girl to pass by; his robes were extra disheveled from sitting so long on the ground and his eyes were a little red from trying to stay awake. _

_James made an angry sound, but Snape ignored him. He went directly in front of Lily._

"_Sev…erus?" Lily said, almost calling the boy by his former nickname. _

"_Lily, I'm so, so sorry. I didn't mean anything like that to happen. I didn't mean what I said. It was an accident. I didn't mean to call you a…to call you that. I'm sorry, please, forgive me!" He sounded hoarse and near tears, but Lily wouldn't look at him. _

"_It really was an accident Lily. Lily, I didn't mean what I said." His eyes finally fell on James. "It was him!" he said pointing at James. "He made me do it! It's all his fault! If he hadn't done that I wouldn't have-" It was this time that Lily cut him off._

"_If he hadn't done that, you wouldn't have what Snape?" Lily said in a disgusted voice. "It isn't James fault! He didn't force you to do or say anything to me. It was all you! You were the one who called me a mudblood" _

"_Lily, don't…" James started._

"_No James! I won't stand here just letting him blame you for his mistakes." Snape flinched at how harsh her voice sounded. "It was from your mouth that that name came from, not his! So don't even try to blame him or anyone for what you did!" she tried to control the volume of her voice as not to wake any of the other Slytherins up._

_Snape, desperately wanting Lily's forgiveness, made a move to grab Lily. James, seeing what he was up to, quickly cast a Shield Charm in between them. Snape staggered back a little, surprised by the barrier, but he quickly recovered. Pulling out his wand, he looked at James with wild eyes, and James luckily disarmed him before Snape finished what James thought was a spell._

_Hearing the spell that her former best friend had tried to use on James, Lily's eyes grew wide. She couldn't believe that Snape would ever use that on anyone. Sectumsempra, really? She knew how dangerous that spell was. It was in the invention of that spell when Lily started to get scared of and for him._

_Eyes filled with disgust, Lily locked her green eyes on the black ones of Snape. _

"_Are you still going to tell me that that was an accident, Snape?" she said in a deadly whisper. "And here I thought you were asking for forgiveness, but no. You just made it clearer to me that I made the right choice in ending our friendship. That was my final proof" Her eyes were starting to water. "Proof that what we had could never come back, because the Severus Snape that I became friends with would never hurt anybody, but I guess he's really gone. Now all I see is Death Eater who follows Voldemort's example in hurting anyone, anytime."_

_Snape cringed at the sound of the dark wizard's name, but Lily just smiled coldly at him._

"_You're following him but you can't even stand to hear his name?" she shook her head "Goodbye, Sev." _

_She brushed past him after that, James quickly followed her and threw down Snape's wand. Snape just continued to look at the spot that Lily had once occupied. _

_James saw tears in Lily's eyes and knew what he had to do. Steering her to the seventh floor, he quickly passed a spot three times and when a door finally emerged, he guided her gently to the small couch by the fire. He didn't even stop and think that Lily might have seen where he took her; all that matters to him now was her. _

_Lily finally let her tears fall. Automatically, James took her in his arms and just held her while she cried. He held her while she cried her eyes out for the end of a friendship that she had once treasured. _

_After a while, Lily's sobs had quieted down to little hiccups, magically, James gave her a glass of water. She took it without thinking about how it came as he didn't even touch his wand; his arms were still around her._

_Calming down, she didn't know why, but she started to tell James about her and Snape._

"_He was my very first magical friend you know. We lived near each other. He was the first one to call me a witch. I ran away from him after that, thinking it was offensive. But we soon became friends. He told me that I really was a witch because I could do magic. We were really close…well, until fifth year that is." _

_She couldn't see it, but James squirmed a little._

"_I'm really sorry Lily. I was a big idiot back then. I didn't mean for anything like that to happen between the two of you. I could see how much you both meant to each other. I'm really sorry." James apologized._

"_Like I said, it's not your fault James. You didn't make him call me a mudblood, that was all him, so don't feel guilty or try to apologize anymore. It would've happen sooner anyway." She said "I mean, I could already see the signs that he was on the wrong side of the war, but I tried to keep what we had, but I couldn't stay friends with someone who supports and takes part in hurting other people who are like me."_

"_All the same, Lily-" _

"_Don't James. Okay? You're starting to sound like Snape." Lily said._

_After that, they both just sat in silence, looking at the fire, Lily still in James' arms. _

"_I love you Lily." James said softly._

_Lily looked at James suddenly, not really sure of what she heard, but before she could ask, he was out of the sofa and was running towards the door without even a glance at her._

Sighing, she finished thinking back at what happened earlier, sure that what she heard was what she indeed hoped it was.

"He loves me. He still loves me." She thought to herself. A sudden warmth filled her body. "James Potter still loves me, how could I have not seen this?" She felt really happy, elated even.

She thought of all the things that James did for her in their past seven years at Hogwarts.

Like when he left that care package for me when he heard I was sick in third year. I was stuck in my dormitory, not wanting to go to Madam Pompfrey. I heard a soft knocking on my window and saw two owls outside with a basket between them, taking it out I saw there were soup, pumpkin juice, books, and roses.

At first I didn't know that it was from him, but when I got better and was in the Great Hall, I saw one of the owls that delivered my care package perched on his arm.

I thought about the things that he knew about me. Things that I didn't think anyone would know aside from my close friends.

He knew that I loved my butterbeer extra frothy and with extra cinnamon. He bought me some in the Three Broomsticks during one of our Hogsmeade trips in fourth year.

He knew that I loved Astronomy. He followed me once, during fifth year, from the common room to the Great Hall to Potions, reciting a poem he made about his love for me and how he'd give me every constellation, every star there is. He even indicated how far away they are from the planet because he said he'd travel that far just to get them.

He knew that I hate lilies but love roses. It was Valentine's Day. Amos Diggory from Hufflepuff approached me and shoved a handful of white lilies in front of me. I was about to say thank you, hiding my wrinkled nose in the flowers when they suddenly became white roses. He came over and told Diggory that though I was named after lilies, I hate them and prefer white roses.

He knew I loved my pumpkin juice really, really cold. I was drinking it in the common room one time; I noticed that it never seemed to drop in temperature even after I left it near the fire. I saw that it was him who kept it cool.

He also seemed to know the romantic gestures I loved, like when he started singing about his love for me in fourth year in front of everyone at the Great Hall.

Lily sighed at all the wonderful things that James has done for her, but then realization suddenly hit her, hard. She felt like she'd been hit by one of the branches of the Whomping Willow.

"But how could he still love me? After everything that I did, everything that I said…" her thoughts trailed off to all of the things that he'd done…and to all that she'd done to him after he did all those things.

With the care package, the moment that Lily saw James Potter with one of delivery owls, she strode up to him and proceeded to yell at him for disturbing her rest. She didn't even thank him.

After Lily had found out that James was the one who bought her the extra frothy, extra cinnamonny butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks, she went over to his table and dumped the entire contents on his head.

After James recited that Astronomy love poem of his, Lily proceeded to hex his mouth shut and she didn't lift the curse, so it was Madam Pompfrey who had to fix James.

After turning the dreadful white lilies of Amos Diggory on Valentine's Day to exquisite white roses, Lily yelled at James and threw the white roses on his face.

After seeing that James was the one who continued to make her pumpkin juice glass ice cold, Lily got up and dumped the whole thing on him, soaking him from head to foot with ice cold pumpkin juice.

And after that time when he sang that self-composed song in the Great Hall, she fired a Tripping jinx at him and called him a big headed toe rag, and then made his head swell up to three times its usual size.

Other insults and hexes came to Lily's mind. She buried her face in her hands and began to cry again.

"How could I have done all those things to him?! Sure he was an arrogant, obnoxious guy, but looking back, he never really did anything to hurt me. Some of them were actually really sweet!" She cried out loud, sure that no one would hear her. "Heck, all of them were really sweet, and you gave him nothing in return but pain and humiliation."

Lily continued crying. Wishing that she could somehow turn back time and undo all of what she did to James.

"I can't believe that I could have ever done that to him. To sweet James. To caring James. To wonderful protective James. I'm really an idiot." She thought to herself, in between her hiccups.

She wanted a glass of water now, and as soon as she raised her wand, a tall glass of water suddenly appeared on the arm rest.

Mind still somewhere else, she just took the glass and drank it, calming down a little.

"Maybe he doesn't mean it. I mean, how could he? I put him through hell and he still likes me? Why would anyone stay in love after all that I did and said?"

She thought back to the moment that he said I love you to her, wanting to see if there was any uncertainty or even deception behind his tone, but she couldn't. All she could hear that time was sincerity, and she was soon engulfed with the same warmth she felt when she realized what she heard.

Knowing full well what's the meaning behind the warmth she felt, she just pressed her hands to her face, hiding a fresh wave of tears.

"I love James Potter. I finally realized that I love him the moment I realized what a big jerk I was to him." She laughed humorlessly to herself.

She started to shake her head, thinking of how impossible it is that James would still want to be with her, but she stopped herself.

Staring at the fire, Lily Evans made up her mind.

"I'm still not sure that he meant it, nor will I be surprised if he tells me he didn't, but one way or another, I will tell him how I feel. I owe him that much." She sighed again. "I owe myself that much."

And with that, she fell asleep on the couch, with James Potter filling her dreams.


End file.
